I thought I was over it

but the sadness is still there, complicated by feelings of inadequacy, shame, and isolation.

I wish I had more people to talk to who also felt the same way that I did. I was doing my best. I was overwhelmed. I didn't have a lot of exposure to the medical profession prior to going to medical school, but I managed to convince the admissions committee to let me in, based off the strength of my academic performance and written and oral intent to practice medicine.

I'm still not okay. I thought I was healed, but I'm still sad about it. Sad that I was singled out. Sad that I'm the "worst medical student" on my rotation. Nobody said that, but that's the way that I feel.

Third year is so damn hard.

I can't go back and change what happened - but I can move forward. I can study the hardest I ever have before. I can learn how to be more social. I can learn how to interact with people more appropriately.

The problem is that I've always had some degree of social anxiety. I've always felt like people didn't like me. I've often been paranoid that people are talking behind my back. The recent feedback has only compounded that sense of anxiety and sense of exclusion. It sucks to feel like you're not wanted.

The positive things - I am genuinely kind and friendly. I'm also shy and anxious. Those two feelings are unfortunately at odds. I have avoidant personality traits. UGH. 

Maybe I can turn these feelings into a stronger sense of empathy for others who feel this way constantly. Now I know how it feels. The sadness fills my lungs.