Not accepting the blame

I have the tendency to internalize negative feelings and believe the worst things that others say about me. I've been considering where this trait comes from and I think it's past trauma associated with being bullied when I was 14 years old. My family was not one to offer praise and even while I was always a high-achieving, extremely bright child, my parents never affirmed or celebrated my successes. I also was not entirely open about the experiences I had and feelings of shame and inadequacy I had when I was a teenager.

I've been realizing that so much of my internal struggle recently with deciding on a specialty choice has to do with avoiding more bullying and trauma. The resident who said those things about me was mean and hurtful. There was no intention of offering the facts that I was good at many things - I was good and kind with patients, I learned quickly, I was receptive and open to feedback. I developed good basic suturing skills.

My recent positive experience working with surgeons who are kind, helpful, thoughtful and excited about teaching helped me overcome the feelings about being inadequate. I am innately shy, but in situations where team members are supportive, I thrive. I am good at helping other people work together, because I am good at highlighting the strengths of others. The actions of other people only bother me when they do not strive to include others.