Out of the fire, into the water

Thus, another chapter closes and another transition period begins. I finished Step 1 studying - miracle of miracles - I got my goal score and almost immediately began third year. A friend of mine remarked that she expected that she was going to have a difficult time with third year and I have to say, there are aspects of third year that I also feel like I will struggle with, but I also agree with another friend that third year is better than studying every day to 10 to 12 hours.

I would like to make plans to see people more. I feel more isolated than I did last year - with my best friends still living close by. It will be okay, I need to make more of an effort than I did before.

Life is okay. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm not quite "in the groove" of third year yet, but I'll get there. I finally figured out how to make some quick meals that I really like - using good, fresh, healthy ingredients.

What I didn't expect about third year is the powerful emotions I would feel when in the hospital. When I hear about sad things, tragic stories about patients, I want to cry. I want to start sobbing right there, in the middle of the call room. No one else is crying, so I blink away the tears that have filled my eyes, and allow the feeling of profound sadness to wash away. When I get in my car at the end of the day, that's when I let myself cry. There's no one there to witness that I am too human to be a doctor.

Amazing things are happening here. I think that sometimes as I walk in and out of the hospital. It's an ironic statement, because sometimes the opposite of that is true. Parents are told that their 12 month old son has to go on dialysis because his kidneys are failing. A six month pregnant mother watches her husband die of a massive heart attack. A two-year old with microcephaly and severe neuro-cognitive impairment is kept in the hospital day after day because there is not yet a safe place for him to live outside of the hospital room with 24/7 nursing staff and oxygen.

There are amazing things that happen. Beautiful, 5-lb identical twin girls are welcomed into the world. A 9 year old girl recovers from a horrible case of pneumonia. Tiny twins battle RSV and survive. A 8 year old boy receives his kidney transplant that he's been waiting for his whole life.

Third year is the best of times and the worst of times. I am so thankful to be here, right now, witnessing the fierce complexity of humanity. Life is simply life.