It's so strange being able to get out of bed whenever I choose. Most of this past year, I was springing up out of bed the moment my alarm went off. I had a strict routine. I would use the bathroom, get dressed in clinic clothes or scrubs, wash my face and brush my teeth. I would then hurry to the kitchen to eat breakfast, caffeinate, and try to steal a quiet moment to pray and read my bible, before packing a lunch and snacks and putting a little concealer on to hide my dark circles. I would drive, bike, or catch a bus to the nearest hospital and immediately log into the EMR as soon as I arrived at the hospital, chugging cold water as I wrote notes about overnight events with my patients, reviewed new labs, and discussed the plan for the day with the residents.
It was exhilarating, exhausting, and a new kind of training. I learned that I could stay up for 24 hours straight and still go home and work on a power-point presentation. I learned that I needed to go to bed before 8PM sometimes. I learned that I truly enjoyed teamwork.
During 2019, my third year of medical school, I often felt
like I was on a highway moving at 80 miles per hour. I could never take my eyes
off the road. There was always a new obstacle requiring defensive driving. A
few months into 2020, everything has slowed down. Traffic is at a standstill. I
can sleep. I can set an alarm or I can snooze. Third year, there was no option.
Medical school cultivates this feeling in you of always
having to be doing something. I struggle with having empty space and guilt
about filling it with unproductive activities, but also realize that it is
important for me to practice physical distancing and do my part, since I’m not
a frontline worker yet. I don’t think my identity has changed. In fact, I feel
more like myself now that I’m not so busy. I can fill my time with what I truly
enjoy and focus on strengthening the relationships that have supplied me
throughout medical school.
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